We’ve got lots of exciting news to report, but we’re going to keep it short. Last year we were voted “Best New Product Design” at the Indie-Rock Business Conference and Motocross event in Yreka, California, and we plan on striking while the iron is hot. As one of America’s most hottest celebrity dating services, the Long Winters will both “pimp” and “ho” your “ride” at no extra cost.

A quick internet search reveals that we are now America’s foremost name in cheap crank, and the hits just keep on coming. Later on in the program we’re going to hear from a woman who lost four hundred metric pounds simply by following our fifteen-step program for male enhancement, but first, wouldn’t you like to learn how to turn common, household skin flakes into a fortune in real estate? The Long Winters can show you how! What you should ask yourself is this: when the Rapture comes, and the Long Winters ascend directly to heaven, will you join them at the right hand of the Lord, or will you remain on Earth with all the “cool” people? Ha ha, trick question, because the Long Winters believe in the doctrine of predestination! Get “saved” all you want, but it’s easier to stick a needle into the eye of a camel than for a rich band to enter the kingdom of heaven. Tell your friends: a rising tide lifts all boats and deposits them far inland. Don’t be the last one among your friends to own every single cheap trinket the Long Winters can churn out, starting with our first two award-winning CD masterpieces. Thereafter you’ll receive about one CD masterpiece every other month, cancel at any time, void where prohibited by law.